Divorce. It’s one of those life events that feels like a roller coaster you didn’t sign up for. One day, you’re married to someone you thought you knew, and the next, they seem like a completely different person. It’s confusing, disorienting, and, let’s be honest, it can really knock you off balance.
So why does divorce make people act so out of character? It’s a question so many of us ask when we're deep in the middle of it. You think,
“Who is this person?
Why are they doing and saying these things?”
Here’s the thing: divorce doesn’t actually change who someone is. It reveals them. It brings out parts of their personality that were probably there all along but didn’t get triggered until now. Divorce stirs up fear, insecurity, and, frankly, a lot of ego. We’re all wired for survival, and when something as significant as a marriage ends, it threatens our stability, our identity, and our future. That can make anyone lash out or behave in ways they normally wouldn’t.
During a divorce, people are in pain. They might feel rejected, scared, or like they’re losing control. It’s not an excuse for bad behavior, let me just repeat that again. It's not an excuse for bad behavior! But, it helps to remember that people aren’t thinking clearly when they’re operating from a place of hurt. They’re protecting themselves the only way they know how, which can sometimes mean doing things that seem cruel, irrational, or completely out of left field.
The Time Warp of Divorce
Another layer of this emotional chaos is something many people overlook: time distortion. During high-stress situations like a divorce, we become time-blind. When emotions are running high, days can feel like weeks, or an intense conversation can feel like it drags on forever. You might find yourself thinking, “Will this ever end?” This isn’t your imagination—stress and trauma can seriously warp your perception of time.
In the middle of it all, it can feel like time slows down to a crawl or speeds up so fast that you lose track of where you are. Divorce drags us into an emotional fog where we lose touch with the passage of time. The fights, legal processes, and emotional ups and downs can make it seem like you’ve been stuck in this limbo forever, even if it’s only been a few months.
So, what can you do when your soon-to-be ex is acting out of character, and you feel like you’re being blindsided left and right?
1. Don’t Take It Personally
This is easier said than done, but it's critical. Their behavior says more about them than it does about you. They’re lashing out because they’re struggling, and it’s not a reflection of your worth or who you are. Remind yourself daily: "This is about their stuff, not mine."
2. Stay Grounded in Your Own Values
When someone else is spinning out of control, it’s easy to get pulled into their chaos. But now, more than ever, you need to stand firm in your values. Think about the kind of person you want to be through this process and stay true to that. Maybe it’s being calm, kind, or simply not engaging in petty arguments. Divorce will test you, but it doesn’t have to change you.
3. Set Clear Boundaries
You don’t have to accept poor treatment, even if the other person is hurting. Setting boundaries is essential for protecting your mental and emotional health. Decide ahead of time what behaviors you won’t tolerate, whether it’s yelling, manipulation, or gaslighting, and stick to it. Communicate those boundaries clearly, and don’t feel guilty for enforcing them.
4. Focus on What You Can Control
You can’t control how the other person acts, but you can control how you respond. When you’re blindsided by their behavior, take a step back before reacting. Breathe. Give yourself space to process what’s happening. You don’t have to respond in the heat of the moment. One of my favorite books regarding this matter is: People Can't Drive You Crazy If You Don't Give Them the Keys by Dr. Mike Bechtle (Author)
5. Lean on Your Support System
Divorce can be an isolating experience, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or even a therapist who can help you stay grounded. Sometimes just talking it out with someone who’s on your side can help you regain your footing.
6. Practice Self-Care (Yes, Really)
I know, self-care sounds cliché, but hear me out. Divorce is one of the most stressful things you can go through. It’s easy to let your own well-being slide when you're consumed by the stress and emotions of it all. But taking care of yourself—whether it’s through exercise, mindfulness, or simply taking time to rest—is crucial for keeping your sanity intact. You can’t navigate this roller coaster if you’re running on empty.
7. Understand the Grief Cycle
Divorce is a grieving process. The other person is likely going through the stages of grief—numbness, pining, disorganization and despair and reorganization—and they may not be at the same stage as you. Knowing this can help you be more compassionate when they’re lashing out, even though it still hurts. It doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior, but understanding where it might be coming from can help you keep things in perspective.
8. Know That This Won’t Last Forever
This part is temporary. It feels like it’s going to go on forever, but eventually, the dust will settle. The divorce process can bring out the worst in people, but once it’s over, most people start to return to who they were, or at least find a new normal. Focus on getting through it with as much grace and self-respect as you can.
Divorce is messy, and it’s hard. People act in ways that shock you. But you have the power to stay grounded through it. Hold on to your values, set boundaries, and remember that the person they are right now isn’t necessarily who they’ll be forever—or who they really are deep down. Stay strong, take care of yourself, and know that better days are coming.
You’ve got this.
Recap & Actionable Steps:
Navigating the emotional roller coaster of divorce can leave you feeling disoriented, but here are key takeaways to keep you grounded and moving forward:
Reflective Thought:
What is really happening here? Take time to think about why the other person is acting out and recognize that much of their behavior is driven by fear and pain.
How am I responding? Reflect on your reactions. Are you staying aligned with your values, or are you getting pulled into the chaos?
Action:
Set Boundaries: Identify where you need to draw lines for your mental and emotional health, and communicate them clearly. Don’t hesitate to walk away from toxic conversations.
Stay Present: Use grounding techniques to keep yourself focused on the here and now, especially when time feels distorted.
Lean on Support: Surround yourself with people who will listen and support you through this challenging time.
Additional Resources:
Books:
"The High Conflict Couple" by Alan E. Fruzzetti
"Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliott
Podcasts:
"The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast"
"The Overwhelmed Brain"
Tools for Reflection:
Journaling prompts to explore your emotions and track your progress during the divorce process.
Meditation apps like Headspace or Calm to practice mindfulness and reduce stress.
Therapeutic Support:
If you need help navigating the emotional ups and downs of divorce, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist or counselor who specializes in family transitions.
Remember, every step you take to stay grounded during this roller coaster of divorce can make a big difference in how you come out on the other side. Let’s focus on not just surviving this process, but growing through it.
For more resources or to connect with a professional who can offer personalized support, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. You’re not alone in this journey, and there’s a brighter chapter ahead.