Divorce is a loss, plain and simple. It’s the end of a chapter that, for many, was once filled with hope, dreams, and expectations for the future. When that chapter closes, it’s natural to feel like you're grieving. It’s a process, much like losing a loved one, and it often follows familiar phases—numbness, pining, disorganization and despair, and eventually, reorganization.
I’ve been there. After my own divorce, I experienced each of these phases. It wasn’t neat, it wasn’t linear, and it certainly wasn’t painless. But the process is real, and it’s something we can go through, even when we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Numbness: “This isn’t real”
When the reality of divorce hits, the first reaction might be numbness. I remember walking through my days in a bit of a fog, almost on autopilot. This stage is protective—it shields you from the full brunt of the emotional storm coming your way. You might feel like you’re in shock, disconnected from your feelings. At this point, many people throw themselves into distractions or the busyness of life to avoid the pain. I did that too—it's a way of coping when your world starts to crumble.
If you’re feeling numb right now, it’s okay. It’s your body and mind’s way of keeping you from getting overwhelmed. But know that this numbness won’t last forever, and that’s a good thing. You’ll feel again, and with that feeling comes healing.
Pining: “Why can’t things just go back?”
The pining phase hit me harder than I expected. It’s that intense longing for things to go back to how they were, for the relationship you once had. You replay memories, wondering if something could have been done differently. This is where many of us dwell on the “what ifs”—what if we had tried harder, what if they had listened more, what if we could just turn back time.
For me, this phase wasn’t just about missing my ex. It was about missing the future I thought I’d have, the life we had planned together. And that’s what pining does. It pulls us into a state of yearning, not just for the person, but for the life we built with them. It’s incredibly painful, but it’s also necessary. It means we’re processing the loss, coming to terms with what’s no longer there.
Disorganization and Despair: “Where do I go from here?”
Once the pining begins to subside, disorganization and despair creep in. This phase is messy, and I won’t sugarcoat it—it’s rough. You may feel like your life is in shambles. Nothing feels secure or predictable anymore. The routines you had as a couple, the shared responsibilities, the familiar roles—all of it is gone, leaving you feeling disoriented.
For me, this stage was filled with confusion and sadness. It felt like I was starting from scratch, not just in my day-to-day life, but emotionally. Divorce can shatter your identity, and rebuilding that is hard work. There were days when I felt like I couldn’t possibly make it through, when the despair felt suffocating.
But here’s the thing—despair, as crushing as it can be, is a signal that you’re transitioning. It’s a sign that you’re acknowledging the reality of the loss and trying to figure out how to rebuild.
Reorganization: “I’m still here, and I can keep going”
Eventually, and I promise this does happen, you’ll find yourself moving into the reorganization phase. It’s gradual, and you might not even notice it at first. Slowly, you begin to adjust to your new life. You create new routines, find new sources of joy, and—this part is crucial—you start to rebuild yourself.
For me, this stage wasn’t about bouncing back into the person I used to be. It was about rediscovering who I could be now. Divorce changes you, and it forces you to look inward, to rebuild from a place of authenticity. I had to redefine what my life looked like without the relationship, and eventually, I found strength in that.
Reorganization doesn’t mean you’ve “moved on” or that the grief is over. It means you’re learning to live with it, to integrate the loss into your life without letting it consume you. There will still be moments of sadness, but they become less overwhelming, and you’ll find yourself more equipped to handle them.
Moving Forward
Grieving divorce is a personal and unique journey, but you’re not alone. These phases—numbness, pining, disorganization, and reorganization—are part of the healing process. If you’re in the midst of this journey, give yourself grace. There’s no timeline, and no one can tell you how to grieve, but you can make it through.
Action Steps:
Recognize where you are: Take a moment to acknowledge which phase you’re in right now. It’s okay to be wherever you are in the process.
Let yourself feel: Whether it’s numbness, sadness, or despair, allow yourself to experience the emotions that come up. Suppressing them will only prolong the healing.
Build new routines: When you’re ready, start to create new habits and routines that reflect your new life. They don’t have to be big changes, just small steps toward reorganization.
Seek support: Whether it’s therapy, a support group, or trusted friends, reach out for help when you need it. You don’t have to do this alone.
Remember, this process isn’t linear, I want to say that one more time because people forget this "this process isn't linear" and some days will be harder than others. But as someone who’s walked this road, I can tell you that it does get better, and you’ll emerge stronger on the other side.
Resources for Healing:
The Grief Recovery Handbook, by John W. James & Russell Friedman
DivorceCare.org – Support Groups for Divorce Recovery
Rising Strong* by Brené Brown
Take your time, and know that every step you take, even the hard ones, is a step toward healing.
Remember, every step you take to stay grounded during this roller coaster of divorce can make a big difference in how you come out on the other side. Let’s focus on not just surviving this process, but growing through it.
For more resources or to connect with a professional who can offer personalized support, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. You’re not alone in this journey, and there’s a brighter chapter ahead.