How the Parent-Child Dynamic Leads to Resentment & Burnout

Before we dive into the heart of this topic, I want to share something personal.

There was a time in my marriage where resentment quietly took root—and I didn’t even realize how much it had built up until we were deep in it. For me, the resentment came from feeling like someone had to be the adult in the relationship, and I was always the one left holding that role. It was frustrating, especially when decisions were made impulsively that affected our life together—without discussion or planning.

Looking back, those were the seasons when ADHD wasn’t being well-managed, and it was often the catalyst that triggered the cycle. I’d step into control mode, feeling like I needed to steer the ship, while my husband would pull away, frustrated that he was being parented. That dynamic created its own feedback loop of irritation, shame, and distance—for both of us.

So when I say I’ve been there, I mean it. And if you’re finding yourself in a similar place, I want you to know: you’re not alone, and it doesn’t have to stay this way.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re carrying the entire emotional or logistical load of your relationship—or like you’re constantly being micromanaged, misunderstood, or underestimated—you’re not alone. The parent-child dynamic, especially in neurodiverse relationships, doesn’t just create day-to-day tension; over time, it leads to deep emotional exhaustion, disconnection, and resentment for both partners.

As I shared in the first post of this series, this dynamic is one of the top five most common struggles I see in couples therapy and discernment counseling. It often begins subtly, but left unchecked, it slowly chips away at the foundation of trust, respect, and intimacy.

What Resentment Looks Like in This Dynamic

Let’s start with the partner who has taken on the “parent” role—usually the one who manages the to-do list, keeps track of appointments, remembers the groceries, handles the bills, coordinates the social calendar, and ends up feeling like the house CEO.

Over time, this partner often feels:

Invisible: “No one notices how much I’m doing until I stop.”
Under-appreciated: “I’m exhausted and no one’s helping me.”
Angry or irritable: Little things trigger big emotions.
Disconnected: It becomes harder to feel romantic or attracted when you’re constantly in caretaker mode.
Alone: “I feel like I’m the only adult in this relationship.”

Now, let’s look at the other side—the partner in the “child” role, who may be neurodivergent and struggling with executive function, time blindness, sensory overload, or emotional regulation.

This partner often feels:

Micromanaged or controlled: “Nothing I do is ever good enough.”
Shamed or defensive: “Why even try if I’m just going to fail or get criticized?”
Misunderstood: “I’m doing my best and they still think I don’t care.”
Avoidant: Tasks start to feel emotionally loaded, so they get avoided altogether.
Lonely: “They don’t get how hard this is for me.”

Burnout on Both Sides

One of the most painful things I witness in therapy is when both partners are burned out and blaming themselves or each other. The partner doing everything feels like they’ve been forced into a leadership role, and the partner being led feels like they’re failing or can’t get a win.

This isn’t about one person being lazy or overbearing—it’s about a broken system that neither partner signed up for but both are stuck in.

This cycle reinforces itself:

The more one partner over-functions, the more the other under-functions.
The more one avoids, the more the other controls.
The more one nags, the more the other withdraws.

Sound familiar?

How It Impacts Intimacy and Connection

This isn’t just about chores and checklists. This dynamic erodes emotional and physical intimacy. When one partner is stuck in the “parent” role, it’s hard to access desire, playfulness, or vulnerability. And for the partner in the “child” role, being perceived as incapable or immature can crush self-confidence and emotional safety.

This can lead to:

Less touch and affection
Fewer deep or meaningful conversations
A growing emotional wall between partners
A loss of shared joy and mutual respect

The Cost of Staying Stuck

Let’s be real: when this dynamic has gone on for a long time, resentment becomes the air in the room. It’s the undercurrent of every conversation, the reason for short tempers and silent treatment. It leads to:

Frequent conflict over “small stuff”
Passive-aggressive behaviors
One or both partners fantasizing about escape
Emotional detachment that feels irreversible

And this is often the point where couples land in my office—exhausted, unsure if they can fix it, but also unsure if they want to walk away.

It Doesn’t Have to End Here

The good news? This isn’t the end of the story. Resentment and burnout are symptoms of an unbalanced system—not proof that your relationship is broken beyond repair. With honest conversations, mutual accountability, and new systems that support both of your neurotypes, you can build something more sustainable and connected.

But you can’t shift something you’re not naming. That’s why this awareness matters.

Reflection Questions:

Where do I see burnout showing up in our relationship?
How have I been showing up in either a parent or child role?
What emotions have I been carrying that I haven’t expressed?
What support or changes would help us both feel more balanced?

Coming Up Next:

In Post 3, we’ll explore what it actually looks like to restructure roles and responsibilities so that both partners feel respected, capable, and supported—without slipping into power struggles or micromanagement.

Additional Resource

ADHD & Marriage Webinars – Insightful tools for improving connection and communication in neurodiverse relationships.

Yvette is a psychotherapist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), and Certified Mental Health and Nutrition Clinical Specialist (CMNCS) who takes a holistic, neuroscience-based approach to mental health. She supports neurodiverse individuals and couples through her private practice, Traveling Light Counseling, offering concierge therapy that integrates psychology, nutrition, and relational health.

She also provides discernment counseling for couples on the brink—offering clarity, tools, and support to navigate their next step with confidence and compassion.

👉 Ready to shift the cycle in your own relationship? Explore therapy options or learn more at Traveling Light Counseling.

If you recognized your relationship in this post, don’t panic. Awareness is the first step, and this series will help you untangle these patterns and rebuild your relationship with mutual respect and understanding.

And remember—you’re not alone in this. I’ve been there too. But with awareness, open conversations, and intentional shifts, you can break this cycle and create a relationship that feels good for both of you.