I would consider reconciling if......
This is a tough situation that Discernment Counseling might be helpful with. We can help you clarify what has to change if you are to stay in the marriage, and we can help you make that clear to your spouse in a non-antagonistic way. We can also help you figure out what you would need to change in yourself in a healthier marriage in the future.
Here we get a little murky. If you are really low on hope, Discernment Counseling is by far the best approach to gain clarity and confidence on what got you to this point and the work both of you have to do individually if there were to be any real momentum for your marriage.
If you have hope, motivation and energy for a serious round of couples therapy, belief that things could improve, and you’re willing to look at your role in the dysfunction that is going, on you may do okay going right to couples therapy.
Overall, if you’ve taken this quiz and are demoralized, Discernment Counseling is the next best step. Keep in mind it’s a short-term therapy so please, don’t let location hinder you seeking this help. I am available for folks who chose couples therapy after.
Reflection points:
Ask yourself what your reasons are for getting a divorce and what you want your spouse to change.
Hard reasons for divorce: Abuse, Alcoholism, Untreated Mental Illness, Ongoing Infidelity. Requires someone to take responsibility for changing their destructive behavior. If you do not feel safe emotionally or physically trying to reconcile would not be right for you at this time.
Soft reasons for divorce: communications problems, lack of intimacy, different needs, growing apart. Both partners are usually responsible for creating these problems.
There are resources for returning life to a lifeless but not destructive marriage.
Every marriage is a two way street. There is rarely a marriage where one person is solely responsible for all the problems. Of course, no-one is responsible for somebody else's negative behavior. You don't make your partner have an affair or drink too much. But, everyone contributes to a downward slide of a marriage that gets to a divorce stage. Often what jump starts movement towards healing is when the spouse who has been saying it's all your fault, looks inside and acknowledges that they are part of the problem. Accepting responsibility allows you to say let's hit the reset button and both work at changing ourselves for the sake of our marriage and our children. Will you work together so you can have a better marriage?